Tips on Listening to Your Child

Listening—it's not as easy as it sounds. It's often uncomfortable to really hear somebody else's point of view (especially if it's your child and she's right and you happen to be wrong. It could happen, you know!). You might hear something you don't want to hear. It's uncomfortable to be challenged. You might hear something that challenges your belief system, or makes you question your assumptions about life. You might hear something that will make you want to change. Listen up now, here are some reasons to work on your listening skills:

It's a Good Idea!

There's only one rule for being a good talker: Learn to listen.

It's a Good Idea!

A greedy communicator “takes” from instead of “talks,” or adds to a conversation. The main difference between taking and talking is one little l. That l stands for “listening.” To talk with somebody, you've gotta listen.

• Listening carefully is how you gather information about what's going on in your child's life and head.
• Listening effectively builds strong relationships.
• Listening thoughtfully shows respect.
• Listening is always the first step in solving problems.
• Listening to your child's perspective will teach you a lot. Kids are smarter than most grown-ups think, and they generally know what they need. Listen to your kids, and they will teach you how to raise them.
• If you want your child to listen to you, you'll need to first listen to her. A child who is lis-tened to learns how to listen. And until she learns how to listen to you, it's the same as telling your problems to the bathroom mirror—no matter how eloquently you express yourself, nobody will be hearing you but you.

Here are the keys to improve your listening skills:

• Listen first.
• Always listen.
• Create a special time and place for listening.
• Use active listening.

Listen First

Listen first, and listen well, before reacting. The true story may take a while to emerge, the real feelings may take time. Okay, hotheads, this one will be a challenge for you! Can you count to 10? Practice!

Always Listen

I know, you've got a million things, people, and animals to focus on. And I'm telling you to always be aware of listening opportunities? Alas, yes. Kids aren't always organized, and kids with emotions (and last time I checked that was all of them) are even less so. It's hard for a child to wait until an opportune time to raise an important issue or disclose some vital information about how she got sent to the principal's office or that Toby beat him up because he accidentally shoved him into the garbage can. Sometimes a child will fret over telling you something important—and let it slip out just at the moment you are least expecting it. Perhaps you're on your way out the door to a board meeting, or making a left-hand turn into the most dangerous intersection in town, or checking that the soufflé hasn't fallen. Trust me, when you're least prepared is when the most vital information will slip from your child's little lips like a sigh.
Carpe diem—seize the day! Keep a constant low-level awareness, a sense of priorities. If Bobby is in hysterics or Sally is desperate to tell you about her date, perhaps you can rearrange your morning (and your life) and listen. (Can you call in sick? Cancel the carpet cleaner? Get somebody else to pick up for the carpool? It's important!)

How Can Parents Model Good Listening Skills?

Listen Better, Learn More
In one of the Family Circus cartoon strips, the little girl looks up at her father, who is reading the newspaper, and says: "Daddy, you have to listen to me with your eyes as well as your ears."
That statement says almost all there is to say about listening, whether in our personal conversations or in learning in school.
Do listening skills affect learning? Listening isn't a school subject like reading and writing. Many of us seem to feel it comes naturally and that as long as we can listen to directions on how to find the restroom, nothing more needs to be said. The latest studies reveal that listening is a very large part of school learning and is one of our primary means of interacting with other people on a personal basis. It's estimated that between 50 and 75 percent of students' classroom time is spent listening to the teacher, to other students, or to audio media.
Can parents guide their children to better listening? According to research on listening skills, being a good listener means focusing attention on the message and reviewing the important information. Parents can model good listening behavior for their children and advise them on ways to listen as an active learner, pick out highlights of a conversation, and ask relevant questions. Sometimes it helps to "show" children that an active listener is one who looks the speaker in the eye and is willing to turn the television off to make sure that the listener is not distracted by outside interference.

Guidelines for Good Listening
Be interested and attentive. Your child can tell whether he has your interest and attention by the way you reply or not. Forget about the telephone and other distractions. Maintain eye contact to show that you really are with your child.
Encourage talking. Some children need an invitation to start talking. You might begin with, "Tell me about your day at school." Children are more likely to share their ideas and feelings when others think them important.
Listen patiently. People think faster than they speak. With limited vocabulary and experience in talking, children often take longer than adults do to find the right word. Listen as though you have plenty of time.
Hear children out. Avoid cutting children off before they have finished speaking. It's easy to form an opinion or reject children's views before they finish what they have to say. It may be difficult to listen respectfully and not correct misconceptions, but respect their right to have and express their opinions.
Listen to nonverbal messages. Many messages children send are communicated nonverbally by their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their energy level, their posture, or changes in their behavior patterns. You can often tell more from the way a child says something than from what is said. When a child comes in obviously upset, be sure to find a quiet time then or sometime that day to help explore those feelings.
Suggestions for Improving Communication
Be interested. Ask about your child's ideas and opinions regularly. If you show her that you're really interested in what she thinks and feels, and want to know what her opinions are, she will become comfortable about expressing her thoughts to you.
Avoid dead-end questions. Ask your child the kinds of questions that will extend interaction rather than cut it off. Questions that require a yes or no or right answer lead a conversation to a dead end. Questions that ask him to describe, explain, or share ideas prolong the conversation.
Extend conversation. Try to pick up a piece of your child's conversation. Respond to her statements by asking a question that restates or uses some of the same words she used. When you use your child's own phrasing or terms, you strengthen her confidence in her conversational and verbal skills and reassure her that her ideas are being listened to and valued.
Share your thoughts. Share what you are thinking with your child. For instance, if you are puzzling over how to rearrange your furniture, get your child involved with questions such as, "I'm not sure where to put this shelf. Where do you think would be a good place?"
Observe signs. Watch your child for signs that it's time to end a conversation. When he begins to stare into space, give silly responses, or ask you to repeat several of your comments, it's probably time to stop the exchange.
Reflect feelings. One of the most important skills of good listeners is the ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes -- empathizing with the speaker by attempting to understand his thoughts and feelings. As a parent, try to mirror your child's feelings by repeating them. You might reflect her feelings by commenting, "It sounds as if you're angry with your math teacher." Restating or rephrasing what your child said is useful when she is experiencing powerful emotions that she may not be fully aware of.
Help clarify and relate experiences. As you listen, try to make your child's feelings clear by stating them in your own words. Your wider vocabulary can help him express himself as accurately and clearly as possible and give him a deeper understanding of words and inner thoughts.
Parents Are Key in Building Children's Communication Skills
Parents play an essential role in building children's communication skills because kids spend more time with their parents than with any other adult. Children also have a deeper involvement with their parents than with any other adult and the family as a unit has lifelong contact with its members. Parents control many of the contacts a child has with society, as well as society's contacts with the child.
Adults, parents, and teachers set a powerful example of good or poor communication. Communication skills are influenced by the examples children see and hear. Parents and teachers who listen to their children with interest, attention, and patience set a good example. The greatest audience children can have is an adult who is important to and interested in them.

The Bad Effects of Listening to Music While Studying

 

The effect of music on studying depends to some degree on the student. Learning capabilities and styles vary. While some of us are auditory learners and may be soothed by music, others learn differently and therefore the impact of the music can also be different. Research does suggest, however, that any bad effects of listening to music while studying can be instant, triggering problems with memory, mood and other responses.

Memory and Music

·         According to researchers at the University of Wales Institute, any music heard while trying to concentrate can be distracting and impair the ability to memorize and recall information. This conclusion was reached after 25 people were asked to recall information while in a quiet environment and again while music was playing that the participants both liked and disliked. The study participants all performed better in the noiseless environment, leading one researcher to conclude that people should either perform tasks in quiet or listen to music prior to performing a task, not during the task.

Comprehension and Music

·         According to Davidson College, background music significantly impacted reading comprehension scores of more than 300 students from five public junior high schools. The students switched between a quiet study hall and another where music was playing. Testing was conducted over a period of two days, and three-quarters of the students showed significant declines in reading comprehension scores when listening to music when compared to their scores recorded after testing in a quiet setting.

Mood and Music

·         In research conducted by Loyola University, 45 male and 45 female college undergraduates were divided into three groups. The first group was exposed to no music, the second to moderate rock and the third to classical music during different studying and testing phases. A profile of moods test was also given to assess how different types of music made the participants feel. The participants reported a much higher level of anger while listening to rock than to classical music.

Sound and Classroom Acoustics

·         The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association notes that a student's ability to hear and understand what is being said in the classroom is vital for learning. Unfortunately, this ability can be reduced in a noisy classroom. Therefore, reducing sound and reverberation in any space used for learning is important.

Listening Response Styles

Even if you think you're a great listener already, chances are you can improve your skills even more. Body language and eye contact, understanding and what to avoid all play a large role in listening and responding effectively. The goal is to communicate clearly, not to be heard over someone else.

Body Language

·         Part of being a good listener is conveying the correct body language. Show the speaker that you're paying attention. Make eye contact as they're speaking. Also, stop what you're doing and face the speaker instead of continuing with your tasks and appearing distracted. Don't cross your arms; smile periodically at the speaker.

Questions

·         One great way of responding to whoever is speaking is to ask at least one question. This shows the speaker two things: that you're paying close attention to what he's saying and also that you're interested enough in what he's talking about to want to know more.

Empathy

·         Even if you don't entirely agree with the speaker's viewpoint, show that you empathize. Try to put yourself in her shoes and let her know that you understand what she's saying and where she's coming from. By understanding a perspective that's outside of your normal viewpoint, you open the door to resolving a problem if there is one.

Rebuttal

·         Even if you're fairly certain that you know how a certain conversation is going to go, don't plan your rebuttal ahead of time. If you do, you'll be less likely to truly listen to the speaker and form your opinion once you have all of the facts. If you're in an argument with someone, the main goal shouldn't be to prove that you're right but to resolve the problem in the best way possible.

Avoidances

·         Don't interrupt the speaker, even if the two of you are in a heated debate and you feel like you have important information to interject. Wait your turn to speak. If you listen, he'll be more likely to listen to whatever you have to say as well. Also, don't change the subject. Doing so makes the speaker feel as though he's insignificant. At meetings, don't take too many notes unless they're absolutely necessary. Instead, pay attention to the speaker. After the meeting you can jot down the main points so that you don't forget them.

List of Listening Styles

While effective speaking and communication skills are important in everyday life, listening skills are just as important because without the ability to listen, you wouldn't be able to understand what others are trying to communicate to you. There are several different types of listening, and each type is used every day when we talk, listen to music and learn new information.

Discriminative Listening

·         Discriminative listening is the most basic type of listening and is used whenever you are listening to another person speak. When someone listens discriminatively, he is listening for differences in volume, force, pitch and emphasis that allow him to discern meaning between different words and phrases. One must be able to hear the differences in sounds and discriminate between the differences of the sounds in order to understand subtleties. This includes identifying emotions or intents and reading body language.

Comprehension Listening

·         Comprehension listening is used to make sense of the different sounds and visual indications that you notice when you listen discriminatively. Also known as informative listening, the act of comprehension listening requires the listener to make sense of what she hears and sees. Learning is often done through comprehension listening. In order to successfully listen for comprehension, you must have a firm grasp of the vocabulary of the language you are hearing, strong concentration skills and the memory to process and remember information. Comprehension listening helps the listener understand the message that the speaker intends to portray.

Relationship Listening

·         The purpose of relationship listening is to develop or maintain a relationship between two individuals. Relationship listening can be used between two intimate lovers, close friends, family members or between two business people who wish to develop mutual trust. Another aspect of relationship listening is therapeutic listening, where a person talks about problems, issues or thoughts to an objective listener, usually a medical professional or therapist. Relationship listening helps individuals support one another and empathize with one another. Important aspects to relationship listening are eye contact and bodily movements. Attentive behaviors such as head nods, smiles and vocalized cues are a positive way to participate in relationship listening.

Appreciative Listening

·         When someone listens to music for enjoyment or pleasure, or to a speaker whose style is unique or enjoyable, he is listening appreciatively. A listener can also listen appreciatively when he seeks information that helps him meet his own personal needs or goals. Appreciative listening depends upon the ways in which the information is presented, the listener's personal perspective on the information and his previous experience with similar information. Previous experiences can include positive or negative associations that shape his feelings about the information being received.

Critical Listening

·         Critical listening allows the listener to form her own set of opinions on information based on how she evaluates and judges what she hears. This type of listening must be used with comprehension listening because if you cannot comprehend the information you hear, you cannot critically process it. Judgment of information might include an assessment of the strengths and weaknesses in the information provided, agreement or disagreement and approval or disapproval of what is heard. Critical listening requires more effort than appreciative listening because more cognitive awareness is required to process, evaluate and compare the information against previous knowledge while continuing to listen to the speaker.

What Is Listening Anxiety?

Anxiety affects more people than any other type of mental illness. Listening anxiety is a type of anxiety that comes from listening to others, such as in a foreign language situation.

ESL Situations

·         Situations in which English is being taught as a second language or the environment is not ESL-friendly, such as in a non-ESL classroom, can cause a high level of anxiety in non-English speakers.

Major Causes

·         Doubt in the non-native English speaker's ability to interpret the English language can be a major contributor to listening anxiety. Another source could be if an individual has never had a listening class before. Unrealistic expectations of understanding every word, context and meaning can also lead to anxiety.

Effects

·         Self-esteem is often affected by listening anxiety. Students with listening anxiety often feel inferior to classmates and easily compare themselves with others in the class.

Other Causes

·         Studies show that many language teachers adopt directive, authoritarian and in some cases intimidating approaches to teaching. Teacher prejudice toward favoring students who have been more successful at learning the English language can also contribute to listening anxiety on the part of the students who are less favored.

Considerations

·         Severe cases of listening anxiety could lead to more pronounced anxiety disorders or even depression. Speaking with school counselors can be a good way to seek treatment and support for listening anxiety.

Other Ways to Help

·         Support yourself through continuing to eat healthy meals and engaging in regular exercise. When listening anxiety begins to manifest, redirect anxious thoughts and breathe deeply.

What Is Listener Anxiety

Effective speeches and presentations require more than just a good topic or writing style. Understanding listener anxiety and what the audience experiences provide the speaker with tools necessary to reduce listener anxiety.

Anticipation

·         Listeners become anxious when anticipating the next lines of a presentation. An ineffective speech can create boredom as a result.

Comprehension

·         Anxiety is a result of a speech given without clear direction leaving the listener challenged with trying to grasp the comprehension.

Speaker

·         Listener anxiety is also a result of the discomfort felt observing an ineffective, dull or nervous presenter. The listener feels the anxiety of the speaker.

Engagement

·         The prospect of being called upon during a presentation creates anxiety for the listener.

Location

·         The location of the presentation can create anxiety in listeners. Sitting uncomfortably, limited visibility, inconsistent temperatures and physical location are all anxiety promoting conditions for listeners.